Original Document

Father was a peculiar man, he was always getting into trouble. If you couldn't find him at home you could always find him at the police station or some saloon. They sent me out to hunt him one day and I went right to the police station. There I found him. There were two other cases that came up before father's. The first man was arrested for stealing a pair of pants. The judge discharged him; said you couldn't make a suit out of a pair of pants. The other man was charged with petty larceny. He stole three bottles of beer. Judge dismissed him, too. Said you couldn't make a case out of three bottles of beer. Then father came up. Judge said-what are the charges? Father said if you'll let me out of this I won't charge you a cent. Then the judge said haven't you been here before? And father said well, I come in now and then to get my mail. The judge asked father then if he had no permanent address and father said yes, but I'm here more than I'm at home. Then the judge said well, what is this all about, there must be some complaint? A neighbor then came in and said judge, this man came home the other night, took down the front door, and hit his wife over the head with it. No case at all, said the judge, any man has the right to a-door his own wife. Father was pleased to get out and said let's go have an oyster stew. That's what father called for, an oyster stew. What we got was an oyster's one. The water wasn't warm enough to kill the oyster. He kept hopping up to the rim of the bowl trying to bite the cracker I had in my hand. When I got the oyster it didn't agree with me. I went to bed and couldn't sleep for that oyster. I had the nightmare in bed, but the bed was a little buggy, so I hitched the mare to the buggy and drove out of town.

Credit: Reprinted in Douglas Gilbert, American Vaudeville: Its Life and Times, NY: Dover Publications, Inc. 1940. 25-26.